Déjà Vu

My life is literally just one incident of déjà vu after another. I can't get out of this cycle that I'm in no matter how hard I try. I'm stuck.

Why is it that the only guys that are attracted to me or show interest in me are all slime balls? They all only want one thing and they don't care how badly they hurt me in the process of trying to get it.

The only problem is that they don't get that one thing they want from me...they take it and I get hurt.

I've been abused. So many times. By so many people. It hurts. To think about, to say, to admit. I physically hurt thinking about it. I get sick. I have flashbacks of everything. Literally every time, every second, every moment, every word, every look, every feeling. Everything.

Do you know what that's like? To never get away from the worst things that have ever happened to you? To have them haunt you every waking hour of the day and then continue into the night? I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy.

I'd like to think I'm a nice person. I like to help people out. I would literally give you the shirt off of my back to make sure that you were taken care of. That's the type of person I am. And that makes me vulnerable...

And somehow everyone figures that out and uses it against me. To the point that I start getting abused again. And when I stand up for myself it does no good. I try to see the best in everyone and that is used to manipulate me out of standing up for myself against the abuse.

Why does this happen to me? At what point will it stop? You might be thinking "Just say no. It's that easy." Is it that easy? Have you said no and had it completely ignored? I have... but it's that easy, right?

It's been five years since I broke up with my ex; the only boyfriend I've ever had, the only person with whom I've been in love. I've worked every day since then to get to where I am right now. To be somewhat confident. To get past all of the abuse and manipulation. But pieces of me have been chipped away.

Pieces of me have been chipped away and I will never get them back and I will never be the same. I feel different. I don't feel like me...but do I actually know what feeling like me is? I'm not sure any more.

I'm different than I was. I know that. I can see it. And every day I see it more and more.

I put up a wall against people to stop myself from feeling this way, from being taken advantage of, from being chipped away. And right when I finally decide to take that wall down, to let people in, immediately I get hurt. I get used. I am lied to and manipulated.

Another piece of me was chipped away today. I can feel it. A piece of me is gone. And the progress I've made over the past five years...all but gone. I'm not being dramatic I'm being honest.

Right now I feel exposed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel stupid.

It's times like these, times that I hurt so badly emotionally, that I want to hurt physically instead. Breaking my hand in April is an example of this. I want that right now...to hurt physically not emotionally or mentally. I can handle the physical pain...I can't handle the emotional pain.

I can't.

So I'm Graduated...Now What?

Well I've finally graduated college!! YAY!! Words can't describe how good it feels to have finally accomplished this goal.

I have been working so hard and so long to get to where I am and I am so proud of myself. There were several times when I didn't think that graduating college would ever happen. Yet, here I am.

I had to go through a lot of crap to get here and although it all sucked, I wouldn't change any of it. I am such a better person now than I was when I started college five years ago. I have a better appreciation of the degree that I earned and of my family, friends, and my Savior and Heavenly Father. All through trying to graduate college...

But now I'm graduated. I've moved home to mom and dad's basement (yeah...I'm that college graduate). Let the job hunt begin!! I have applied for several jobs but have yet to hear back about any of them. Frustrating, but I figure that it is a good sign: I haven't been told no.

I've applied for a couple jobs in Rexburg. I know, I know. I just got out, why would I want to go back!? Well...my friends are there. If I am going to have to apply for any job until I am able to get into a position where I can begin working in the government why wouldn't I try and find one near my friends? All of my friends, with the exception of one or two, live in Rexburg currently or will be there in the coming semesters. Being so close to them but not being able to see them is honestly killing me.

It is extremely frustrating as well that, being this close, none of my friends have thought to come down and visit. Well...all except one. But that is a post for another day :]

There are so many things that I would like to do in life and so many places I would like to go. But I can't do any of those things unless I have money. And in order to have money I have to get a job. And depending on where the job is, in order to get the job I need to have a car. And in order to have a car I need to have money. *sigh* It's a never ending circle. I have so many things that need to be done as well (paying off school debt and whatnot). I'm just getting very annoyed. And depressed. And anxious. But not bored! (haha yet again...another post for another day)

I guess I just need to breathe and relax and keep applying. I will find a job somewhere. It is just a matter of time. If it isn't near my friends...that sucks, but it will be okay. I will make things work.

Things always work out the way that they need to. Not always how I want them to but the way that they need to. :]

Just When I Thought I Knew What Was Going On...

God has a funny way of turning things around when you least expect it.

I had this idea of how things were going to go in my life these last few weeks of school and let me tell you, that is definitely NOT how things are going to go.

People come in and out of our lives for various reasons: some obvious, others not so obvious. Either way...there is a reason we meet these people and we interact with them. We are to learn something from them or with them or about ourselves. No matter what it is...there is a reason.

Sometimes people walk out of our lives when we least expect them to. Sometimes they walk out of our lives when we need them the most.

It sucks. But that's the way the cookie crumbles.

We cannot control everything. Unfortunately. But sometimes that is good that we aren't in control.

At this moment, if I was in control of what was happening in my life...a lot of people would end up very miserable, myself included.

We can't see the big picture. If we try and control the everyday situations we encounter from the limited view we have, everyone will get hurt and everyone will be miserable. That's what happens when we try and take things into our own hands and leave God out of things.

I thought I knew what was going to happen. I thought I had a firm grasp on the hand that I have most recently been dealt...I was extremely wrong in that assumption.

I am not exactly happy with all of the changes that are occurring right now but I know that in the end it will be what is best for me. It will also be what is best for those around me.

Sometimes we have to be miserable for a minute in order to be happy forever.

One day I will understand why this is all happening. Not just why it is happening but why it is happening RIGHT NOW.

Timing is a huge part of learning lessons from our struggles, failures, and pains. Things happen for a reason and they happen at certain times for a reason.

There is a reason I need all of this to be going on 17 days before I graduate from college. There is a reason I need all of this to happen while I am stressed beyond words over all of the tests, papers, and assignments I have in the next two weeks. There is a reason I need all of this to happen while I have a thousand graduation details to finalize including passing my classes and finding a job after graduation.

Heavenly Father has a plan for me. These changes and their timing are all for my betterment.

A couple weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to look at these changes in this way. But Heavenly Father put me through other trials to prepare me for this.

I got this. Nothing is going to slow me down or deter me from the path I am on. If anything, it is going to push me farther down this path: push me closer to the Lord.

Plans change. Life changes. Things get turned around. Failure happens. People leave. Get used to it.

I'm not going to let any of this halt my life, hinder my progress, or deter me from the path I'm on.

I'm ready to face any challenge foolish enough to face me.

Writing Has Become My Life

A lot has happened these past couple weeks...

Okay this past MONTH.

I met someone. And he is amazing. God couldn't have led me to him at a better time in my life. He has opened my eyes to so many things and has helped me in ways words cannot describe.

Because of him I have found myself. I thought I knew who I was before but I didn't.

I know who I am. I know who God wants me to be. I know what path I need to be on and what I need to do to not only be on that path but to remain on that path.

These past couple weeks have been difficult...in the most amazing ways. I know that my Heavenly Father has something big planned for me and I know that He knows me and loves me. He wants me to be happy and knows exactly how to do that.

For the first time in my entire life I feel that I have let God into my life 100%. I have opened myself up and turned to Him because I have finally realized that I cannot do this by myself.

I have a journal and I have been writing in it more than I thought I would. I've had it for nine days and I'm almost half-way through it already.

I don't write just everyday things in it though. I write when I hurt, when I am panicky, when I am happy. I just write. But it isn't "today I went to the store...blah blah blah" ... in this journal I am writing down my heart and soul. My deepest thoughts, wants, needs, fears, joys. This journal is full of things I don't want to feel or acknowledge but I know that I have to.

There are things I have written in this journal that I have never told anyone. Experiences I have been through and things that have happened to me that no one knows about and that I have pushed to the back of my mind for years.

I haven't written them down before because that made them real. But I know now that I have to acknowledge that those things ARE real. They did happen. They hurt then and they hurt now. I have to accept that and I have to deal with it. But not by myself.

I have to turn to my Father in Heaven and let Him guide me through this. He has always been there I have just been too blind and stubborn to see it. But I have finally opened my eyes and I see Him...in everything.

I have cried more these past few weeks than I would like to admit. For the first three or four days they were tears of pain and anguish. But now...tears of joy. I feel my Savior's love for me stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I'm finally ready to face my fears and to face my past. It is going to hurt so much and I know that. But I'm not alone!

As my counselor pointed out to me and that I have been telling myself every day: I was once a victim. But I am no longer a victim; I. AM. A. SURVIVOR. I am a survivor and I can do this.

The difference between a victim and a survivor is that a victim has fear and a survivor has hope. I have hope now. I am stronger than I know...but my Father in Heaven knows how strong I am and that is all I need.

I can do this. It is not going to be easy. But it will be worth it. Everything is going to be alright.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am who God wants me to be. I am not alone in this journey. I am loved. I am a Daughter of God.

That is what I have learned this past month. I have learned these things and I BELIEVE them. They are true and always have been. And it is about time that I have figured that out.

I'm ready to begin this journey. With my Savior, Heavenly Father, family and friends by my side I can do this. I will be okay. Everything is going to be alright.

The Most Spiritual Experience...

It's been quite a long time since I've written a post that had a religious theme.

But I had the most spiritual experience this week. More spiritual than anything I've ever experienced before...

Monday night I had just kind of given up on life. I had a paper due on Tuesday and I could not get my mind to focus and do it. I hated everything about my life that day. I sat at my computer for hours upon hours unable to accomplish any of my homework.

I told my FHE group that I wasn't feeling well so I couldn't go to FHE. Yeah, that was a lie. I just didn't want to be around anyone. I locked the front door after they left and I went downstairs and got in the shower. I curled up in a ball and cried for an hour as the water cascaded over me. I seriously had just given up.

I came upstairs and once again just laid on the couch doing nothing. I couldn't function.

All of a sudden a thought came over me, "God is here for you. He loves you and will help. Text Jackson and ask him for a blessing." So I did just that...

Jackson came over and we talked for about 15 minutes as I explained everything. He then gave me the most beautiful blessing. I felt the Spirit so strong and I knew everything was going to be okay.

As soon as Jackson left something came over me and it was like I wasn't even in control of my body. My mind just knew exactly what I needed to do.

I put a pizza in the oven (because I hadn't eaten) and then sat down at my computer and made a playlist on Spotify (I'll be Bach--Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Tchaikovsky, etc). I don't know why I just knew that I needed to do it.

I ate my pizza and then laid down on the couch, put in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and immediately fell asleep. I slept so well.

As soon as I woke up I sat down at my computer and began typing. My brain was opened and I knew exactly what to write and how I needed to write it.

I had never felt the Spirit so strong in my entire life. I cannot even begin to explain how I felt.

I gained such a testimony of the Priesthood that night and I am so grateful I have men in my life who are worthy and willing to use that power to help me in my times of need.

I'm also grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sends His Spirit to me to help me and guide me when I am struggling.

The Lord loves us, each and every one. Regardless of what religion we are a part of, He loves us and knows us and is here if we simply turn to Him and ask for His help.

This About Sums it Up...

I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind

But I will shy away from the specifics

Cause I don't want you to know where I am

Cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been

This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it

See that line? I never should've crossed it

Stop right there! I never should've said that

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again

Cause who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one

Couldn't keep to myself enough

And the things bottled inside

Have finally begun to create so much pressure

That I'll soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps

Syncing up to the beating of my heart

And I was positive that unless I got myself together

I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again

Cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been and

This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it

See that line? I never should've crossed it

Stop right there! I never should've said that

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again

Cause who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been

F is for Friends

I have the best friends.

Seriously.

I don't know what I would do this semester without them.

I wish there was someway that I could possibly repay them for all that they have done for me. These past couple weeks have been bad and without them by my side I don't know where I would be right now.

God loves us. He loves me. He knows what and who I need and my life and He has blessed me with those things and those people.

I am beyond grateful for all that He has done for me and all that my friends have done for me.

I'm one lucky woman.

What is Happening to Me?

Today has been...weird.

That is the only word I can use to describe it.

I feel like I'm on the edge of having a massive panic attack but it hasn't happened. I'm shaky, sweating but then I get the chills, I feel like the wind is being knocked out of me and I can't breathe. I feel like I'm having mini panic attacks. And I don't know why.

Rogue has been very close to me all day and acting weird because she knows. But nothing has happened ... yet.

I've been zoning out and can feel the anxiety starting to creep up and then it just vanishes.

The room is spinning. I feel like my arms are on backwards. I can't concentrate on anything. I've been zoning out all day. My mouth is dry.

I've been avoiding taking my pill because I don't know what's going to happen...and I'm sick of needing medication.

What makes it more weird is that nothing has happened today to trigger this. Absolutely nothing. I've just felt this way since I woke up this morning. I don't understand...

What is happening to me? WHY is this happening to me?

I don't want to be like this anymore; I'm a slave to the chemicals in my body and the medications used to counterbalance them. I just want to be normal...

Words can't even describe what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I wish I could explain this so that someone could help me.

Make it go away...

Wow...I Look Pretty.

I don't think I'm a photogenic person. I don't think I'm that pretty. I don't like pictures of myself.

But then I got my senior pictures done.

I. Feel. So. Pretty. :]

Let me post a couple pictures! Rogue and I had a blast getting our pictures taken:

My hair is on POINT!

Walks, iPods, and Scary Movies

Oh man...IT'S MY LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a little excited... :]

So far everything has been going well. Okay well I've had a couple of bad days. And by bad days I mean horrible, terrible, disastrous days.

But I have the most amazing friends. Better than I've ever had before in my entire life.

Let me go to the beginning and give you a little insight:

I have lived in the same apartment complex the whole time I have been in Rexburg. My ward has been the same, most of the people have been the same, everything has basically been the same.

Well this semester everything changed. New ward, new bishopric, new roommates and people in the ward. I don't like change. I had such a bitter taste in my mouth about this new ward. I was not excited at all.

But I decided I needed to change that. I didn't want to hate my ward my last semester of college. My roommate Jessica (I could do an entire post about her...and I probably will. And by probably I mean I'm going to. :]) and I went around to all of the boys apartments to meet them. It was out of both of our bubbles and we were very hesitant. BEST. DECISION. EVER.

We met the most amazing people and they have been some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Apt. 116: Jackson, Johnny, Coco, and TayTay. They are our FHE brothers and the funniest apartment ever. They make me laugh so much. They go on my walk with me all the time and it is just awesome every time we are together (even when Johnny is creepily commenting on my pants and pocket shirt...haha).

Apt. 107: Lake, Hayden, Steven, Chad, and Jake. Where do I even begin. They are the best. We have all literally hung out every day since then (September 21). It has been so amazing. We have watched movies and I've cooked for them and I've cleaned for them and we've played iPod Idol (amazing.) and we sing all the time. I haven't met such amazing people in a long time.

I want to talk about one of these guys especially. He has helped me so much. The bad days that I've had this semester have been some of the worst I've ever had. Ever. And he has been there every time. He hasn't judged me and he hasn't shunned me or shied away. No one has ever been there for me like he has. I never expect that when I tell him I'm not doing well that he will drop everything and come over and just hold me and let me cry...but he does. I've never experienced that before. I am so amazed at the fact that he cares for me this much to be here for me.

Now I'm not saying he 'cares for me' in a way that he LIKES me. But that he considers me as such a good friend that it is worth being there for me at all hours of the day and night.

If you've read some of the rest of my posts you can probably tell that I have no self esteem whatsoever. So I've never felt worthy of that kind of care. I've never felt like anyone cared. And this semester is starting to change that. I'm starting to feel like I deserve friends and that I won't be judged.

This semester has been so great in so many ways. I'm starting to feel better about myself. I'm getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. I feel loved.

It's a nice feeling. :]

This semester is going to keep getting better. I just know it. And I'm so excited.

:]

Break Is...

Boring.

Man I am so bored. It's terrible. It's nice to have a break from school but I miss my friends. I miss the social life that I had. I miss...Rexburg.

There, I said it.

But really. I had the best semester EVER last semester. I met so many amazing people and made some of the best friends ever. And then the semester ended and everyone moved and I don't know when I'll get to see a lot of them again... :[

It's a depressing thought.

I think I'll make a list of the things that I miss: reminisce about the activities and people that have undoubtedly changed my life forever.

• Volleyball. Everyday. For at least 4 hours.
• My Birds and their motorcycles.
• Rogue's strange obsession with Cody Bird.
• Late night walks around Rexburg.
• Running to Wendy's.
• Bridge jumping.
• Movie nights.
• Ward activities. Basically every day.
• My FHE group. Seriously amazing.
• Driving Trevor's truck.
• Trying to get Trevor to go to the doctor for his broken ankle.
• Trevor on painkillers.
• Vanilla Mt. Dew.
• Knocking on peoples' car windows in the temple/stake center parking lot while they were making out asking if they needed help.
• Watching Jacob Bird attempt a cartwheel.
• Water balloon fights.
• Watching an absurd amount of Bones.
• Speaking Chinese around people who don't understand.
• Dancing in the rain.
• Just Dance parties.
• Fried pickles and Cards Against Humanity.
• Paco's Tacos baseball games.
• Emma taking Natalie out during soccer.
• Buffalo Wild Wings.

I could seriously go on forever. This last semester was amazing and I'm excited to see what the next semester will bring.

Two Down and Three To Go

Well I'm done with two classes for the semester. Like actually done with them. Finals turned in and everything.

Weird.

No, you know what's weird...? I had my last college religion class ever today. Five years later! Crazy to think I graduate next semester. I don't want to be a big kid!!

So my friend and I went on a walk last nigh...well this morning (it was 2:00 am :]). This creepy truck was following us. It turned around several times following us. So of course we started running and took this weird route home so they wouldn't follow us.

Yeah ... we almost got abducted. Scary. Scary. Scary.

My friend lost her shoes in the process. They fell off and we just kept going. No stopping for us.

Rexburg flooded yesterday!! Oh my gosh funniest story ever:

So my best friend Kyle calls me and asks if I want to go to Costa Vida. Well of course the answer is yes. So he comes over but I had just started doing my hair and makeup. I was bored so I decided to try and get cute.

So he's waiting for like 20 minutes here while I finish my hair. We then head to go pick up my friend so she can come with us. As we're driving we see his brother on his motorcycle. It had just started to rain so we asked if he wanted a ride. "No I'm fine. It's only sprinkling."

Haha he spoke WAY too soon. He zoomed away and then it began to hail. He was on his motorcycle at the light in front of us and Kyle and I were watching him try and duck out of the way of the golf ball sized hail. It was hilarious.

We were nice and followed him to the gas station and gave him a ride to work. But wait it gets better...

When we left my apartment I sent a text to my friend telling her we were on our way. So she left her friend's apartment to wait on the street for us. And then it began to hail...

She was standing out in it when it hit. Haha she was super mad that we were taking a while. But when she found out we saved Cody she wasn't upset anymore.

So then everything died down a little and we dropped off Cody and were on our way to Costa and we see another friend, Trevor. I yelled out the window at him to get in the car because we were going to Costa. Literally as soon as he closed the car door it began to hail and rain again. Like HARD. It was ridiculous.

You couldn't even see two cars in front of you it was so bad.

So we drive back to my apartment and run screaming into my apartment to eat our food. The rain kept coming down and Kyle decides he wants to go out in it. He goes out and is playing around ("It's a whirlpool!") and decides to go help at some apartments that flooded. The big dumb waded into chest deep water with his phone in his pocket. Pull out the rice...

Haha Yesterday was ridiculous.

I took a picture of my baby sleeping to end out the night. So fun :]

One Year Down, One To Go.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Mike is half-way done with his mission! I am so excited for him to come home!!

This past year has been soooo long. Seriously. The longest year ever.

I'm so happy right now. :]

I've missed my best friend so much and I can't wait to see him.

:] :]

I Love(ish) Mondays

Monday=Missionary email day.

Love.

I love getting to hear from my baby brother. He's my best friend and I miss him so, so , so much. He's almost been out on his mission for a year! It seriously has been the longest year ever!

He's doing good work though so it's all good. He'll be home soon :]

Today. I Want To Die...

I haven't actually seriously wanted to kill myself in a long time.

Right now would be perfect: my roommate is gone, everyone is in bed/at home because of curfew...I'm totally alone.

I could just cut my wrists. Take even more of the meds I shouldn't take (I've already taken 5x the amount I should.) I could hang myself. Stab myself. Drink some bleach. Run in front of a car. I want to do it all.

I'm sick of struggling. I'm sick of being alone and having to deal with this by myself. I'm sick of hurting.

I just want it all to end. What do I have to do for that to happen?

At this point...I'll do anything.

What's Self-Esteem?

I don't have any self esteem. I knew I had low self-esteem but I find myself looking at my actions and realizing...I don't think highly of myself at all.

My Condo in the Friend Zone

Well, it's definitely been awhile since I've written. I really need to be better about this. I'm going to work on it!!

This past week has been really hard. The past couple of weeks actually. School is tough and I haven't been feeling well but on top of that there is this whole dating thing that I fail at. I know that I shouldn't worry about it and I'll find someone when I find them but it still sucks to never get asked out...ever. Especially here at school where everyone is getting married left and right and I have friends who have multiple dates a day, multiple days a week.

So I started liking these two guys and I couldn't decide which one I like more. They are both so charming and handsome and so much fun to be around. I seriously couldn't decide.

Well one of them decides to go and get himself a girlfriend. Well that made the choice easier. Or so I thought...

I talked to the other kid and told him I liked him and well...the title of this post can give you some insight into how that went.

It isn't a big deal. I mean you like who you like and you don't like who you don't like. I can't change anyone's mind. He knows how I feel and we're still friends so life is good. The best part about the whole thing is after I told him I said "I guess I'll just keep enjoying my condo in the friend zone." He replies with "Well at least you have a good view!" Haha so funny and so true. How can you be upset after a comment like that?

Well obviously things aren't going anywhere with that kid but that's alright because honestly...I think I like the other kid more. I know he has a girlfriend and that is a line I will NEVER cross but what if he didn't...

So many times I find myself wanting him to break up with her so that he can date me. It doesn't make anything better that a lot of people tell me that they think he likes me. But it's so confusing because he has this girl in his life and he really cares about her so how can he like me at the same time?

I tell myself that I don't really like him but every time I see him I just smile like an idiot...I can't help it!! *sigh* why couldn't I have gotten to know him at the beginning of the semester instead of a month into it!? Things could be so much different! He's even hinted at that... My life<<<<

It sucks even more that neither of them is going to be here next semester. :[

Just my luck. Whatever though. I have my condo and I have an EXCELLENT view. So I can't be that upset, right?

Things Were Going So Well.

Things have been going so well these last couple of weeks. Well ... these last couple of months honestly.

I have actually made friends. Friends that invite me to stuff. Who want to hang out everyday. Who text me first. It's been really nice.

I'm usually the one who has to invite people to stuff (they always turn me down but still...) I'm the one who has to try and get people to do stuff with me. But now I have people who actually think of me when they are going to do something.

It's really nice to actually have friends.

Then why do I feel like this?

Why did I just lie on the couch for an hour crying? Why do I feel like crying right now? Why am I actually starting to cry as I write this?

I have no self esteem. I seriously look at myself in the mirror and I am disgusted. I don't like the way I look. I don't think I'm pretty. I need to lose weight because I'm getting fat. I look terrible in everything I wear. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It's nothing new to me to think these things about myself.

But I feel that it is getting worse...it's multiplied by the fact that, once again, all of my friends are getting asked out by the guys that I like. The guys that I've had a crush on for a long time now are all going after my friends and everyone around me with whom I interact.

I have good looking friends. I won't deny that. They are gorgeous and skinny and just all around amazing. It isn't their faults. But I get so sick of this always happening to me. I will introduce them to the guys that I like and the guys immediately start chasing after my friends.

Now my friends ask me first if they can go out with the guys and of course I say yes. I'm not that girl that calls dibs and never lets my friends have a chance at all (they have a better chance with that person anyway.)

I just want to be attractive. I want the guys I like to like me back. I'm sick of not being asked out on dates. I can't even remember the last date I went on that I got asked out. Why don't boys like me?

My girlfriends are always telling me I look so pretty and they love my hair and my makeup and my outfits. They are so blown away at the fact that in my entire life I've only had one boyfriend and only been on maybe MAYBE 10 dates (all since I've turned 16...that was 7 years ago).

This is stupid and I shouldn't worry so much about it and dating and guys and all of that crap. But it still sucks. All of my friends are going on dates, sometimes multiple times a week and multiple times a DAY!

It gets really old.

*sigh* There is my rant for the day. I've been feeling so well lately but today I'm just depressed. Like really depressed. It hasn't been this way for a while. I'll be happy again soon. I just needed to let this all out and that helped.

How Can I Miss Him This Much...?

Taylor left on his mission on the 12th. It seems like he's been gone for a thousand years yet it's only been seventeen days. Ugh. This sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud of him and the work he is doing but time seems to be dragging on forever. I thought my little brother's mission was taking a long time to pass but this beats that exponentially!!

I miss him so much. I can't even put in to words how much I miss him...or why. I know why but at the same time I'm not really sure if I do. That sounds weird, I know, but it's hard to explain.

There are so many things that I miss that I can't even make a list (I've tried believe me...easier said than done).

Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't it be easy like all of the other times I've sent boys out on missions? I've never experienced this feeling before and I hate it.

Make time go by faster.

Apparently I'm Going to Get Shot ...

So I got a text from Taylor on Sunday...at about 0100. This is how our conversation went:

T: Su I just had a dream about you.
S: Yeah? What was it about?
T: We were out at the movies and a guy came in and starting shooting up the place and he shot us.
S: Oh no! Did we die?
T: I don't know...I woke up as soon as he shot us.
S: That's a very sad dream...
T: Yeah, I know...

Yeah...so there is that conversation. But wait, it gets better!! This morning on our way to institute my mom tells me she couldn't sleep because she kept having the same dream. Here is how that conversation went:

M: I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep last night at all.
S: How come?
M: Every time I fell asleep I had the same dream...it was terrible.
S: What was it about?
M: I don't know where we were but some guy came up and shot you in the head and Mike in the stomach.
S: Seriously!? Why is everyone dreaming that I'm going to get shot!? Taylor had a dream I got shot, too!!

So...apparently I'm going to get shot. Good news is that it won't be for at least another two years (because Mike and Taylor both have to be home from their missions).

Yeah...something to look forward to haha