Things have been going so well these last couple of weeks. Well ... these last couple of months honestly.
I have actually made friends. Friends that invite me to stuff. Who want to hang out everyday. Who text me first. It's been really nice.
I'm usually the one who has to invite people to stuff (they always turn me down but still...) I'm the one who has to try and get people to do stuff with me. But now I have people who actually think of me when they are going to do something.
It's really nice to actually have friends.
Then why do I feel like this?
Why did I just lie on the couch for an hour crying? Why do I feel like crying right now? Why am I actually starting to cry as I write this?
I have no self esteem. I seriously look at myself in the mirror and I am disgusted. I don't like the way I look. I don't think I'm pretty. I need to lose weight because I'm getting fat. I look terrible in everything I wear. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. It's nothing new to me to think these things about myself.
But I feel that it is getting worse...it's multiplied by the fact that, once again, all of my friends are getting asked out by the guys that I like. The guys that I've had a crush on for a long time now are all going after my friends and everyone around me with whom I interact.
I have good looking friends. I won't deny that. They are gorgeous and skinny and just all around amazing. It isn't their faults. But I get so sick of this always happening to me. I will introduce them to the guys that I like and the guys immediately start chasing after my friends.
Now my friends ask me first if they can go out with the guys and of course I say yes. I'm not that girl that calls dibs and never lets my friends have a chance at all (they have a better chance with that person anyway.)
I just want to be attractive. I want the guys I like to like me back. I'm sick of not being asked out on dates. I can't even remember the last date I went on that I got asked out. Why don't boys like me?
My girlfriends are always telling me I look so pretty and they love my hair and my makeup and my outfits. They are so blown away at the fact that in my entire life I've only had one boyfriend and only been on maybe MAYBE 10 dates (all since I've turned 16...that was 7 years ago).
This is stupid and I shouldn't worry so much about it and dating and guys and all of that crap. But it still sucks. All of my friends are going on dates, sometimes multiple times a week and multiple times a DAY!
It gets really old.
*sigh* There is my rant for the day. I've been feeling so well lately but today I'm just depressed. Like really depressed. It hasn't been this way for a while. I'll be happy again soon. I just needed to let this all out and that helped.
