Writing Has Become My Life

A lot has happened these past couple weeks...

Okay this past MONTH.

I met someone. And he is amazing. God couldn't have led me to him at a better time in my life. He has opened my eyes to so many things and has helped me in ways words cannot describe.

Because of him I have found myself. I thought I knew who I was before but I didn't.

I know who I am. I know who God wants me to be. I know what path I need to be on and what I need to do to not only be on that path but to remain on that path.

These past couple weeks have been difficult...in the most amazing ways. I know that my Heavenly Father has something big planned for me and I know that He knows me and loves me. He wants me to be happy and knows exactly how to do that.

For the first time in my entire life I feel that I have let God into my life 100%. I have opened myself up and turned to Him because I have finally realized that I cannot do this by myself.

I have a journal and I have been writing in it more than I thought I would. I've had it for nine days and I'm almost half-way through it already.

I don't write just everyday things in it though. I write when I hurt, when I am panicky, when I am happy. I just write. But it isn't "today I went to the store...blah blah blah" ... in this journal I am writing down my heart and soul. My deepest thoughts, wants, needs, fears, joys. This journal is full of things I don't want to feel or acknowledge but I know that I have to.

There are things I have written in this journal that I have never told anyone. Experiences I have been through and things that have happened to me that no one knows about and that I have pushed to the back of my mind for years.

I haven't written them down before because that made them real. But I know now that I have to acknowledge that those things ARE real. They did happen. They hurt then and they hurt now. I have to accept that and I have to deal with it. But not by myself.

I have to turn to my Father in Heaven and let Him guide me through this. He has always been there I have just been too blind and stubborn to see it. But I have finally opened my eyes and I see Him...in everything.

I have cried more these past few weeks than I would like to admit. For the first three or four days they were tears of pain and anguish. But now...tears of joy. I feel my Savior's love for me stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I'm finally ready to face my fears and to face my past. It is going to hurt so much and I know that. But I'm not alone!

As my counselor pointed out to me and that I have been telling myself every day: I was once a victim. But I am no longer a victim; I. AM. A. SURVIVOR. I am a survivor and I can do this.

The difference between a victim and a survivor is that a victim has fear and a survivor has hope. I have hope now. I am stronger than I know...but my Father in Heaven knows how strong I am and that is all I need.

I can do this. It is not going to be easy. But it will be worth it. Everything is going to be alright.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am who God wants me to be. I am not alone in this journey. I am loved. I am a Daughter of God.

That is what I have learned this past month. I have learned these things and I BELIEVE them. They are true and always have been. And it is about time that I have figured that out.

I'm ready to begin this journey. With my Savior, Heavenly Father, family and friends by my side I can do this. I will be okay. Everything is going to be alright.

The Most Spiritual Experience...

It's been quite a long time since I've written a post that had a religious theme.

But I had the most spiritual experience this week. More spiritual than anything I've ever experienced before...

Monday night I had just kind of given up on life. I had a paper due on Tuesday and I could not get my mind to focus and do it. I hated everything about my life that day. I sat at my computer for hours upon hours unable to accomplish any of my homework.

I told my FHE group that I wasn't feeling well so I couldn't go to FHE. Yeah, that was a lie. I just didn't want to be around anyone. I locked the front door after they left and I went downstairs and got in the shower. I curled up in a ball and cried for an hour as the water cascaded over me. I seriously had just given up.

I came upstairs and once again just laid on the couch doing nothing. I couldn't function.

All of a sudden a thought came over me, "God is here for you. He loves you and will help. Text Jackson and ask him for a blessing." So I did just that...

Jackson came over and we talked for about 15 minutes as I explained everything. He then gave me the most beautiful blessing. I felt the Spirit so strong and I knew everything was going to be okay.

As soon as Jackson left something came over me and it was like I wasn't even in control of my body. My mind just knew exactly what I needed to do.

I put a pizza in the oven (because I hadn't eaten) and then sat down at my computer and made a playlist on Spotify (I'll be Bach--Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Tchaikovsky, etc). I don't know why I just knew that I needed to do it.

I ate my pizza and then laid down on the couch, put in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and immediately fell asleep. I slept so well.

As soon as I woke up I sat down at my computer and began typing. My brain was opened and I knew exactly what to write and how I needed to write it.

I had never felt the Spirit so strong in my entire life. I cannot even begin to explain how I felt.

I gained such a testimony of the Priesthood that night and I am so grateful I have men in my life who are worthy and willing to use that power to help me in my times of need.

I'm also grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sends His Spirit to me to help me and guide me when I am struggling.

The Lord loves us, each and every one. Regardless of what religion we are a part of, He loves us and knows us and is here if we simply turn to Him and ask for His help.