Déjà Vu

My life is literally just one incident of déjà vu after another. I can't get out of this cycle that I'm in no matter how hard I try. I'm stuck.

Why is it that the only guys that are attracted to me or show interest in me are all slime balls? They all only want one thing and they don't care how badly they hurt me in the process of trying to get it.

The only problem is that they don't get that one thing they want from me...they take it and I get hurt.

I've been abused. So many times. By so many people. It hurts. To think about, to say, to admit. I physically hurt thinking about it. I get sick. I have flashbacks of everything. Literally every time, every second, every moment, every word, every look, every feeling. Everything.

Do you know what that's like? To never get away from the worst things that have ever happened to you? To have them haunt you every waking hour of the day and then continue into the night? I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy.

I'd like to think I'm a nice person. I like to help people out. I would literally give you the shirt off of my back to make sure that you were taken care of. That's the type of person I am. And that makes me vulnerable...

And somehow everyone figures that out and uses it against me. To the point that I start getting abused again. And when I stand up for myself it does no good. I try to see the best in everyone and that is used to manipulate me out of standing up for myself against the abuse.

Why does this happen to me? At what point will it stop? You might be thinking "Just say no. It's that easy." Is it that easy? Have you said no and had it completely ignored? I have... but it's that easy, right?

It's been five years since I broke up with my ex; the only boyfriend I've ever had, the only person with whom I've been in love. I've worked every day since then to get to where I am right now. To be somewhat confident. To get past all of the abuse and manipulation. But pieces of me have been chipped away.

Pieces of me have been chipped away and I will never get them back and I will never be the same. I feel different. I don't feel like me...but do I actually know what feeling like me is? I'm not sure any more.

I'm different than I was. I know that. I can see it. And every day I see it more and more.

I put up a wall against people to stop myself from feeling this way, from being taken advantage of, from being chipped away. And right when I finally decide to take that wall down, to let people in, immediately I get hurt. I get used. I am lied to and manipulated.

Another piece of me was chipped away today. I can feel it. A piece of me is gone. And the progress I've made over the past five years...all but gone. I'm not being dramatic I'm being honest.

Right now I feel exposed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel stupid.

It's times like these, times that I hurt so badly emotionally, that I want to hurt physically instead. Breaking my hand in April is an example of this. I want that right now...to hurt physically not emotionally or mentally. I can handle the physical pain...I can't handle the emotional pain.

I can't.

So I'm Graduated...Now What?

Well I've finally graduated college!! YAY!! Words can't describe how good it feels to have finally accomplished this goal.

I have been working so hard and so long to get to where I am and I am so proud of myself. There were several times when I didn't think that graduating college would ever happen. Yet, here I am.

I had to go through a lot of crap to get here and although it all sucked, I wouldn't change any of it. I am such a better person now than I was when I started college five years ago. I have a better appreciation of the degree that I earned and of my family, friends, and my Savior and Heavenly Father. All through trying to graduate college...

But now I'm graduated. I've moved home to mom and dad's basement (yeah...I'm that college graduate). Let the job hunt begin!! I have applied for several jobs but have yet to hear back about any of them. Frustrating, but I figure that it is a good sign: I haven't been told no.

I've applied for a couple jobs in Rexburg. I know, I know. I just got out, why would I want to go back!? Well...my friends are there. If I am going to have to apply for any job until I am able to get into a position where I can begin working in the government why wouldn't I try and find one near my friends? All of my friends, with the exception of one or two, live in Rexburg currently or will be there in the coming semesters. Being so close to them but not being able to see them is honestly killing me.

It is extremely frustrating as well that, being this close, none of my friends have thought to come down and visit. Well...all except one. But that is a post for another day :]

There are so many things that I would like to do in life and so many places I would like to go. But I can't do any of those things unless I have money. And in order to have money I have to get a job. And depending on where the job is, in order to get the job I need to have a car. And in order to have a car I need to have money. *sigh* It's a never ending circle. I have so many things that need to be done as well (paying off school debt and whatnot). I'm just getting very annoyed. And depressed. And anxious. But not bored! (haha yet again...another post for another day)

I guess I just need to breathe and relax and keep applying. I will find a job somewhere. It is just a matter of time. If it isn't near my friends...that sucks, but it will be okay. I will make things work.

Things always work out the way that they need to. Not always how I want them to but the way that they need to. :]

Just When I Thought I Knew What Was Going On...

God has a funny way of turning things around when you least expect it.

I had this idea of how things were going to go in my life these last few weeks of school and let me tell you, that is definitely NOT how things are going to go.

People come in and out of our lives for various reasons: some obvious, others not so obvious. Either way...there is a reason we meet these people and we interact with them. We are to learn something from them or with them or about ourselves. No matter what it is...there is a reason.

Sometimes people walk out of our lives when we least expect them to. Sometimes they walk out of our lives when we need them the most.

It sucks. But that's the way the cookie crumbles.

We cannot control everything. Unfortunately. But sometimes that is good that we aren't in control.

At this moment, if I was in control of what was happening in my life...a lot of people would end up very miserable, myself included.

We can't see the big picture. If we try and control the everyday situations we encounter from the limited view we have, everyone will get hurt and everyone will be miserable. That's what happens when we try and take things into our own hands and leave God out of things.

I thought I knew what was going to happen. I thought I had a firm grasp on the hand that I have most recently been dealt...I was extremely wrong in that assumption.

I am not exactly happy with all of the changes that are occurring right now but I know that in the end it will be what is best for me. It will also be what is best for those around me.

Sometimes we have to be miserable for a minute in order to be happy forever.

One day I will understand why this is all happening. Not just why it is happening but why it is happening RIGHT NOW.

Timing is a huge part of learning lessons from our struggles, failures, and pains. Things happen for a reason and they happen at certain times for a reason.

There is a reason I need all of this to be going on 17 days before I graduate from college. There is a reason I need all of this to happen while I am stressed beyond words over all of the tests, papers, and assignments I have in the next two weeks. There is a reason I need all of this to happen while I have a thousand graduation details to finalize including passing my classes and finding a job after graduation.

Heavenly Father has a plan for me. These changes and their timing are all for my betterment.

A couple weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to look at these changes in this way. But Heavenly Father put me through other trials to prepare me for this.

I got this. Nothing is going to slow me down or deter me from the path I am on. If anything, it is going to push me farther down this path: push me closer to the Lord.

Plans change. Life changes. Things get turned around. Failure happens. People leave. Get used to it.

I'm not going to let any of this halt my life, hinder my progress, or deter me from the path I'm on.

I'm ready to face any challenge foolish enough to face me.

Writing Has Become My Life

A lot has happened these past couple weeks...

Okay this past MONTH.

I met someone. And he is amazing. God couldn't have led me to him at a better time in my life. He has opened my eyes to so many things and has helped me in ways words cannot describe.

Because of him I have found myself. I thought I knew who I was before but I didn't.

I know who I am. I know who God wants me to be. I know what path I need to be on and what I need to do to not only be on that path but to remain on that path.

These past couple weeks have been difficult...in the most amazing ways. I know that my Heavenly Father has something big planned for me and I know that He knows me and loves me. He wants me to be happy and knows exactly how to do that.

For the first time in my entire life I feel that I have let God into my life 100%. I have opened myself up and turned to Him because I have finally realized that I cannot do this by myself.

I have a journal and I have been writing in it more than I thought I would. I've had it for nine days and I'm almost half-way through it already.

I don't write just everyday things in it though. I write when I hurt, when I am panicky, when I am happy. I just write. But it isn't "today I went to the store...blah blah blah" ... in this journal I am writing down my heart and soul. My deepest thoughts, wants, needs, fears, joys. This journal is full of things I don't want to feel or acknowledge but I know that I have to.

There are things I have written in this journal that I have never told anyone. Experiences I have been through and things that have happened to me that no one knows about and that I have pushed to the back of my mind for years.

I haven't written them down before because that made them real. But I know now that I have to acknowledge that those things ARE real. They did happen. They hurt then and they hurt now. I have to accept that and I have to deal with it. But not by myself.

I have to turn to my Father in Heaven and let Him guide me through this. He has always been there I have just been too blind and stubborn to see it. But I have finally opened my eyes and I see Him...in everything.

I have cried more these past few weeks than I would like to admit. For the first three or four days they were tears of pain and anguish. But now...tears of joy. I feel my Savior's love for me stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I'm finally ready to face my fears and to face my past. It is going to hurt so much and I know that. But I'm not alone!

As my counselor pointed out to me and that I have been telling myself every day: I was once a victim. But I am no longer a victim; I. AM. A. SURVIVOR. I am a survivor and I can do this.

The difference between a victim and a survivor is that a victim has fear and a survivor has hope. I have hope now. I am stronger than I know...but my Father in Heaven knows how strong I am and that is all I need.

I can do this. It is not going to be easy. But it will be worth it. Everything is going to be alright.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am who God wants me to be. I am not alone in this journey. I am loved. I am a Daughter of God.

That is what I have learned this past month. I have learned these things and I BELIEVE them. They are true and always have been. And it is about time that I have figured that out.

I'm ready to begin this journey. With my Savior, Heavenly Father, family and friends by my side I can do this. I will be okay. Everything is going to be alright.

The Most Spiritual Experience...

It's been quite a long time since I've written a post that had a religious theme.

But I had the most spiritual experience this week. More spiritual than anything I've ever experienced before...

Monday night I had just kind of given up on life. I had a paper due on Tuesday and I could not get my mind to focus and do it. I hated everything about my life that day. I sat at my computer for hours upon hours unable to accomplish any of my homework.

I told my FHE group that I wasn't feeling well so I couldn't go to FHE. Yeah, that was a lie. I just didn't want to be around anyone. I locked the front door after they left and I went downstairs and got in the shower. I curled up in a ball and cried for an hour as the water cascaded over me. I seriously had just given up.

I came upstairs and once again just laid on the couch doing nothing. I couldn't function.

All of a sudden a thought came over me, "God is here for you. He loves you and will help. Text Jackson and ask him for a blessing." So I did just that...

Jackson came over and we talked for about 15 minutes as I explained everything. He then gave me the most beautiful blessing. I felt the Spirit so strong and I knew everything was going to be okay.

As soon as Jackson left something came over me and it was like I wasn't even in control of my body. My mind just knew exactly what I needed to do.

I put a pizza in the oven (because I hadn't eaten) and then sat down at my computer and made a playlist on Spotify (I'll be Bach--Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Tchaikovsky, etc). I don't know why I just knew that I needed to do it.

I ate my pizza and then laid down on the couch, put in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and immediately fell asleep. I slept so well.

As soon as I woke up I sat down at my computer and began typing. My brain was opened and I knew exactly what to write and how I needed to write it.

I had never felt the Spirit so strong in my entire life. I cannot even begin to explain how I felt.

I gained such a testimony of the Priesthood that night and I am so grateful I have men in my life who are worthy and willing to use that power to help me in my times of need.

I'm also grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sends His Spirit to me to help me and guide me when I am struggling.

The Lord loves us, each and every one. Regardless of what religion we are a part of, He loves us and knows us and is here if we simply turn to Him and ask for His help.