This About Sums it Up...

I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind

But I will shy away from the specifics

Cause I don't want you to know where I am

Cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been

This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it

See that line? I never should've crossed it

Stop right there! I never should've said that

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again

Cause who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one

Couldn't keep to myself enough

And the things bottled inside

Have finally begun to create so much pressure

That I'll soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps

Syncing up to the beating of my heart

And I was positive that unless I got myself together

I would watch me fall apart

And I can't let that happen again

Cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been and

This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it

See that line? I never should've crossed it

Stop right there! I never should've said that

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again

Cause who I am hates who I've been

Who I am hates who I've been

F is for Friends

I have the best friends.

Seriously.

I don't know what I would do this semester without them.

I wish there was someway that I could possibly repay them for all that they have done for me. These past couple weeks have been bad and without them by my side I don't know where I would be right now.

God loves us. He loves me. He knows what and who I need and my life and He has blessed me with those things and those people.

I am beyond grateful for all that He has done for me and all that my friends have done for me.

I'm one lucky woman.

What is Happening to Me?

Today has been...weird.

That is the only word I can use to describe it.

I feel like I'm on the edge of having a massive panic attack but it hasn't happened. I'm shaky, sweating but then I get the chills, I feel like the wind is being knocked out of me and I can't breathe. I feel like I'm having mini panic attacks. And I don't know why.

Rogue has been very close to me all day and acting weird because she knows. But nothing has happened ... yet.

I've been zoning out and can feel the anxiety starting to creep up and then it just vanishes.

The room is spinning. I feel like my arms are on backwards. I can't concentrate on anything. I've been zoning out all day. My mouth is dry.

I've been avoiding taking my pill because I don't know what's going to happen...and I'm sick of needing medication.

What makes it more weird is that nothing has happened today to trigger this. Absolutely nothing. I've just felt this way since I woke up this morning. I don't understand...

What is happening to me? WHY is this happening to me?

I don't want to be like this anymore; I'm a slave to the chemicals in my body and the medications used to counterbalance them. I just want to be normal...

Words can't even describe what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I wish I could explain this so that someone could help me.

Make it go away...

Wow...I Look Pretty.

I don't think I'm a photogenic person. I don't think I'm that pretty. I don't like pictures of myself.

But then I got my senior pictures done.

I. Feel. So. Pretty. :]

Let me post a couple pictures! Rogue and I had a blast getting our pictures taken:

My hair is on POINT!

Walks, iPods, and Scary Movies

Oh man...IT'S MY LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a little excited... :]

So far everything has been going well. Okay well I've had a couple of bad days. And by bad days I mean horrible, terrible, disastrous days.

But I have the most amazing friends. Better than I've ever had before in my entire life.

Let me go to the beginning and give you a little insight:

I have lived in the same apartment complex the whole time I have been in Rexburg. My ward has been the same, most of the people have been the same, everything has basically been the same.

Well this semester everything changed. New ward, new bishopric, new roommates and people in the ward. I don't like change. I had such a bitter taste in my mouth about this new ward. I was not excited at all.

But I decided I needed to change that. I didn't want to hate my ward my last semester of college. My roommate Jessica (I could do an entire post about her...and I probably will. And by probably I mean I'm going to. :]) and I went around to all of the boys apartments to meet them. It was out of both of our bubbles and we were very hesitant. BEST. DECISION. EVER.

We met the most amazing people and they have been some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Apt. 116: Jackson, Johnny, Coco, and TayTay. They are our FHE brothers and the funniest apartment ever. They make me laugh so much. They go on my walk with me all the time and it is just awesome every time we are together (even when Johnny is creepily commenting on my pants and pocket shirt...haha).

Apt. 107: Lake, Hayden, Steven, Chad, and Jake. Where do I even begin. They are the best. We have all literally hung out every day since then (September 21). It has been so amazing. We have watched movies and I've cooked for them and I've cleaned for them and we've played iPod Idol (amazing.) and we sing all the time. I haven't met such amazing people in a long time.

I want to talk about one of these guys especially. He has helped me so much. The bad days that I've had this semester have been some of the worst I've ever had. Ever. And he has been there every time. He hasn't judged me and he hasn't shunned me or shied away. No one has ever been there for me like he has. I never expect that when I tell him I'm not doing well that he will drop everything and come over and just hold me and let me cry...but he does. I've never experienced that before. I am so amazed at the fact that he cares for me this much to be here for me.

Now I'm not saying he 'cares for me' in a way that he LIKES me. But that he considers me as such a good friend that it is worth being there for me at all hours of the day and night.

If you've read some of the rest of my posts you can probably tell that I have no self esteem whatsoever. So I've never felt worthy of that kind of care. I've never felt like anyone cared. And this semester is starting to change that. I'm starting to feel like I deserve friends and that I won't be judged.

This semester has been so great in so many ways. I'm starting to feel better about myself. I'm getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. I feel loved.

It's a nice feeling. :]

This semester is going to keep getting better. I just know it. And I'm so excited.

:]