Writing Has Become My Life

A lot has happened these past couple weeks...

Okay this past MONTH.

I met someone. And he is amazing. God couldn't have led me to him at a better time in my life. He has opened my eyes to so many things and has helped me in ways words cannot describe.

Because of him I have found myself. I thought I knew who I was before but I didn't.

I know who I am. I know who God wants me to be. I know what path I need to be on and what I need to do to not only be on that path but to remain on that path.

These past couple weeks have been difficult...in the most amazing ways. I know that my Heavenly Father has something big planned for me and I know that He knows me and loves me. He wants me to be happy and knows exactly how to do that.

For the first time in my entire life I feel that I have let God into my life 100%. I have opened myself up and turned to Him because I have finally realized that I cannot do this by myself.

I have a journal and I have been writing in it more than I thought I would. I've had it for nine days and I'm almost half-way through it already.

I don't write just everyday things in it though. I write when I hurt, when I am panicky, when I am happy. I just write. But it isn't "today I went to the store...blah blah blah" ... in this journal I am writing down my heart and soul. My deepest thoughts, wants, needs, fears, joys. This journal is full of things I don't want to feel or acknowledge but I know that I have to.

There are things I have written in this journal that I have never told anyone. Experiences I have been through and things that have happened to me that no one knows about and that I have pushed to the back of my mind for years.

I haven't written them down before because that made them real. But I know now that I have to acknowledge that those things ARE real. They did happen. They hurt then and they hurt now. I have to accept that and I have to deal with it. But not by myself.

I have to turn to my Father in Heaven and let Him guide me through this. He has always been there I have just been too blind and stubborn to see it. But I have finally opened my eyes and I see Him...in everything.

I have cried more these past few weeks than I would like to admit. For the first three or four days they were tears of pain and anguish. But now...tears of joy. I feel my Savior's love for me stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I'm finally ready to face my fears and to face my past. It is going to hurt so much and I know that. But I'm not alone!

As my counselor pointed out to me and that I have been telling myself every day: I was once a victim. But I am no longer a victim; I. AM. A. SURVIVOR. I am a survivor and I can do this.

The difference between a victim and a survivor is that a victim has fear and a survivor has hope. I have hope now. I am stronger than I know...but my Father in Heaven knows how strong I am and that is all I need.

I can do this. It is not going to be easy. But it will be worth it. Everything is going to be alright.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am who God wants me to be. I am not alone in this journey. I am loved. I am a Daughter of God.

That is what I have learned this past month. I have learned these things and I BELIEVE them. They are true and always have been. And it is about time that I have figured that out.

I'm ready to begin this journey. With my Savior, Heavenly Father, family and friends by my side I can do this. I will be okay. Everything is going to be alright.