I hate myself...

One minute I am happy
The next minute I could punch someone
Or I'm crying

I have more ups and downs than a roller coaster
And the worst part about it is the hell I put my family through

They deserve better than to have me in their life
They don't need this

I feel terrible about what I put them through
When I'm having bad days or I'm in bad moods I seclude myself away from them because they don't deserve that
And I hate that when they try to come see if I'm ok I'm rude to them

I don't want them to have to put up with me anymore
They deserve so much better

I hate myself

I wish I could say this to you ... but I know you won't get it

Stop. Just stop. Stop babying me. Stop forcing me to do stuff because "research shows..." Just stop.

You aren't making anything any better. I know you get frustrated with my mood swings and the fact that I am irritable...but believe me, I am ten million times more frustrated. Do you think that I like being happy one minute and then want to punch you in the face the next?? No. I hate this. I hate it so much but there is nothing that any of us can do about it.

You think that by staying so close to me and making a daily routine for me you are helping me but you are only making it worse. Seriously ... I know you are trying to help but it isn't. It really isn't. I know this is hard for you. It's hard for me too, but I just need you here to support me not force me to do stuff because you think that it will make things better. Just hug me and tell me it will be ok. Let me lay in bed all day because it is what I need. Don't TELL me what I'm going to be doing all summer.

I wish with all my heart that this would all just go away ... but it won't. Nothing I can do can ever make this go away. I wish that I could tell you this. I wish that you could understand. But you won't. You'll tell me that I'm just whining or that it will be good for me...

Just please...please...stop

Better late than never...

Well...it is probably about time that I write again. Things have been really hard lately...just my anxiety and depression going crazy. I'm done with finals thank freaking goodness and done with BYU...YAY!!!!

I feel pretty good about how my finals went. My anxiety went crazy during a couple finals so I just rushed through them so I could leave. So we will see...

I'm home and it feels good. I've missed being home (even though I've lived here for two weeks already ha).

My sister (and also best friend) got surgery this week and I can't even put into words how worried I was/am/have been about her. She wasn't worried but I was still freaked out. *sigh* I love her and miss her a lot.

That is about it for me. I am a bum right now and I need to find a job. So that is my plan for the day.

Oh and I'm also going to clean my car :)

Anxiety

It hits you when you don't need it to.

I'm shaking, close to tears, can't focus.

I feel uncomfortable around everyone and in moving from class to class.

I'm just not myself right mow. I can't do this anymore.

Things I shouldn't think about but still do...

Have you ever thought about dying?? Have you ever thought about what is waiting for you and what it is going to be like when you get there??

Will how we die affect what happens to us?? Will it look different for each person??

Have you ever wanted to die? Made a plan? Tried to die? Have you ever had these thoughts multiple times a day and multiple days a week?

Do you know how hard it is to find reasons to live when, for days and weeks, all you think about is to die?

Have you ever been driving down the interstate and come up next to a semi and just think about turning into it?

These thoughts shouldn't happen...but there is no way to stop them; that I have found yet.

What stops me when I try to turn into that semi as I drive to school and back every day??

Family; mom and dad, John, Grant, Lyndi, Abby, Colette, Madison, Will, Jack, Peter and Mike.

They will always be here for me. They may not be there physically (and unfortunately that is what I need the most) but they are only a phone call away when I need them to talk to me.

Thanks for everything you do...you keep me alive.