What is Wrong With Me...??

Without fail, everything that is ever good in my life I mess up. Always. Maybe that is why more bad things happen to me than good...

Do I have an alter ego that absolutely hates me?? Does my subconscious hate me?? I just don't understand how I can always ruin everything.

No wonder I don't have any friends...No wonder I don't go on dates or get asked out...

What is wrong with me...

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness...Contention is of the Devil

I like things being clean. Most people I know like things to be clean. But apparently some people don't like clean things. They prefer them to be dirty...

Some of my roommates EXPLODED at me yesterday because apparently I am rude and put them down and it is my way or the highway; all because I have asked them several times, nicely, to pick up their stuff when they are done with it and put it away.

Our apartment is split into groups; me and one of my roommates and then the other three. We don't get along. I have been so nice to them. It isn't worth it to me to be upset at them for their nasty habits because it just makes things uncomfortable in the apartment. I however have not been treated very nicely by them. They talk about me behind my back. How do I know? They aren't exactly quiet about it...I can hear everything.

They lie to my face saying everything is fine and act like we are all buddy buddy but then treat me like crap. They are so rude to my other roommate; like ridiculously rude. They talk to her in a baby voice and treat her like she is five. They try to get her to clean up after them and it just gets worse.

Oh and also I guess how I act, the music I listen to, and how I speak apparently offends them and makes them uncomfortable and they are mad at me for not changing. How am I supposed to not offend someone if I don't realize that I'm offending them and they act like everything is fine?

I hate girls. Why do they have to be like this? I have only ever been nice to them. I really honestly have never done anything rude to them...I just don't get it. I wish I could live with boys because they are so straightforward and this kind of crap doesn't happen. Ugh...

Same Old Song and Dance...

Well...it's been a while. I don't know why I haven't done this in so long...I have definitely had a lot that I've needed to say. But whatever...it happens.

Why do I always do the same things I always do?? I make the same mistakes with the same people. I let people walk all over me. I forgive people who have wronged me in horrible ways. I don't understand...

Maybe it is a good thing that I am so nice and forgiving but I am so sick of people taking advantage of me. I try to meet new people and make new friends but when I do they end up using me. Maybe that is why I end up going back to the people I know are bad influences on me...at least they accept me and don't judge me.

I feel so judged up here. I'm not stick skinny. I haven't always been a good example of someone in the Church. I have a service dog. I have to take medication every day to function like everyone else. People look at me as I walk around campus because of Rogue and I can hear what they say. I see them staring and talking to their friends asking "What's wrong with her? Why does she have that dog?" That makes me feel so awesome...

I understand people are curious but seriously...!?!? How do they think they make me feel?? How do they think I feel already!? I don't want to be stared at all day everyday. I don't want to have a service dog with me 24/7. I want to be able to leave my house alone without the fear of having a panic attack and not being able to function for the next week. I just want to be normal...

I don't want to think the things I think. I don't want to do the things I do because of my illness. But I do...no one can even begin to understand. Because if I start to get close to someone enough that I confide in them everything that is going on in my life and everything I am feeling they turn their backs on me and want nothing to do with me.

I just honestly want all of this to go away. I can't do it anymore. I am so sick of ... everything.