I haven't actually seriously wanted to kill myself in a long time.
Right now would be perfect: my roommate is gone, everyone is in bed/at home because of curfew...I'm totally alone.
I could just cut my wrists. Take even more of the meds I shouldn't take (I've already taken 5x the amount I should.) I could hang myself. Stab myself. Drink some bleach. Run in front of a car. I want to do it all.
I'm sick of struggling. I'm sick of being alone and having to deal with this by myself. I'm sick of hurting.
I just want it all to end. What do I have to do for that to happen?
At this point...I'll do anything.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
What's Self-Esteem?
I don't have any self esteem. I knew I had low self-esteem but I find myself looking at my actions and realizing...I don't think highly of myself at all.
My Condo in the Friend Zone
Well, it's definitely been awhile since I've written. I really need to be better about this. I'm going to work on it!!
This past week has been really hard. The past couple of weeks actually. School is tough and I haven't been feeling well but on top of that there is this whole dating thing that I fail at. I know that I shouldn't worry about it and I'll find someone when I find them but it still sucks to never get asked out...ever. Especially here at school where everyone is getting married left and right and I have friends who have multiple dates a day, multiple days a week.
So I started liking these two guys and I couldn't decide which one I like more. They are both so charming and handsome and so much fun to be around. I seriously couldn't decide.
Well one of them decides to go and get himself a girlfriend. Well that made the choice easier. Or so I thought...
I talked to the other kid and told him I liked him and well...the title of this post can give you some insight into how that went.
It isn't a big deal. I mean you like who you like and you don't like who you don't like. I can't change anyone's mind. He knows how I feel and we're still friends so life is good. The best part about the whole thing is after I told him I said "I guess I'll just keep enjoying my condo in the friend zone." He replies with "Well at least you have a good view!" Haha so funny and so true. How can you be upset after a comment like that?
Well obviously things aren't going anywhere with that kid but that's alright because honestly...I think I like the other kid more. I know he has a girlfriend and that is a line I will NEVER cross but what if he didn't...
So many times I find myself wanting him to break up with her so that he can date me. It doesn't make anything better that a lot of people tell me that they think he likes me. But it's so confusing because he has this girl in his life and he really cares about her so how can he like me at the same time?
I tell myself that I don't really like him but every time I see him I just smile like an idiot...I can't help it!! *sigh* why couldn't I have gotten to know him at the beginning of the semester instead of a month into it!? Things could be so much different! He's even hinted at that... My life<<<<
It sucks even more that neither of them is going to be here next semester. :[
Just my luck. Whatever though. I have my condo and I have an EXCELLENT view. So I can't be that upset, right?
This past week has been really hard. The past couple of weeks actually. School is tough and I haven't been feeling well but on top of that there is this whole dating thing that I fail at. I know that I shouldn't worry about it and I'll find someone when I find them but it still sucks to never get asked out...ever. Especially here at school where everyone is getting married left and right and I have friends who have multiple dates a day, multiple days a week.
So I started liking these two guys and I couldn't decide which one I like more. They are both so charming and handsome and so much fun to be around. I seriously couldn't decide.
Well one of them decides to go and get himself a girlfriend. Well that made the choice easier. Or so I thought...
I talked to the other kid and told him I liked him and well...the title of this post can give you some insight into how that went.
It isn't a big deal. I mean you like who you like and you don't like who you don't like. I can't change anyone's mind. He knows how I feel and we're still friends so life is good. The best part about the whole thing is after I told him I said "I guess I'll just keep enjoying my condo in the friend zone." He replies with "Well at least you have a good view!" Haha so funny and so true. How can you be upset after a comment like that?
Well obviously things aren't going anywhere with that kid but that's alright because honestly...I think I like the other kid more. I know he has a girlfriend and that is a line I will NEVER cross but what if he didn't...
So many times I find myself wanting him to break up with her so that he can date me. It doesn't make anything better that a lot of people tell me that they think he likes me. But it's so confusing because he has this girl in his life and he really cares about her so how can he like me at the same time?
I tell myself that I don't really like him but every time I see him I just smile like an idiot...I can't help it!! *sigh* why couldn't I have gotten to know him at the beginning of the semester instead of a month into it!? Things could be so much different! He's even hinted at that... My life<<<<
It sucks even more that neither of them is going to be here next semester. :[
Just my luck. Whatever though. I have my condo and I have an EXCELLENT view. So I can't be that upset, right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)