Well...it's been a while. I don't know why I haven't done this in so long...I have definitely had a lot that I've needed to say. But whatever...it happens.
Why do I always do the same things I always do?? I make the same mistakes with the same people. I let people walk all over me. I forgive people who have wronged me in horrible ways. I don't understand...
Maybe it is a good thing that I am so nice and forgiving but I am so sick of people taking advantage of me. I try to meet new people and make new friends but when I do they end up using me. Maybe that is why I end up going back to the people I know are bad influences on me...at least they accept me and don't judge me.
I feel so judged up here. I'm not stick skinny. I haven't always been a good example of someone in the Church. I have a service dog. I have to take medication every day to function like everyone else. People look at me as I walk around campus because of Rogue and I can hear what they say. I see them staring and talking to their friends asking "What's wrong with her? Why does she have that dog?" That makes me feel so awesome...
I understand people are curious but seriously...!?!? How do they think they make me feel?? How do they think I feel already!? I don't want to be stared at all day everyday. I don't want to have a service dog with me 24/7. I want to be able to leave my house alone without the fear of having a panic attack and not being able to function for the next week. I just want to be normal...
I don't want to think the things I think. I don't want to do the things I do because of my illness. But I do...no one can even begin to understand. Because if I start to get close to someone enough that I confide in them everything that is going on in my life and everything I am feeling they turn their backs on me and want nothing to do with me.
I just honestly want all of this to go away. I can't do it anymore. I am so sick of ... everything.
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