Ain't life wonderful!?

:)

Where do I even begin!? Life has been so good lately!! I have been hanging out with Tyler a lot and it has been so much fun. :) My classes are going really well and I'm actually loving school!! I register for my classes tonight and so I guess that is exciting too hehe!! I'm just happy with where life is going and it just seems to be getting better!!

YAY FOR LIFE!!!

People suck...

Sometimes people are dumb. They say dumb stuff to other people to make themselves feel better. To those of you who do it, listen:

Your words cut deeper than you think. Whether the person believes it is true or not they cannot forget. It is one of the wonders of our brain. You can't just forget. When I was younger I was made fun of all the time. I was "fat and ugly". I was even told that people wanted me dead. Waking up every morning dreading going to school and seeing those people is a terrible feeling. It got to a point where I honestly believed them. In my mind they were right: I was not beautiful. I was fat. No one would ever like me. People would be happier with me dead. I tried to commit suicide three different times. Before that I cut myself. I couldn't control the pain I felt from others and cutting allowed me to control the pain I was in. If it wasn't for my loving Heavenly Father and my mother I don't know what would have happened. My mother found me on my last suicide attempt. Seeing the pain in her eyes made me realize that what other people said didn't really matter. What my Father in Heaven thinks of me and what my family thinks about me is all that matters. Most importantly, what I think about myself matters more than anything.

I have scars on my wrists and arms that I will never be able to get rid of. Memories that I can never forget permanently carved into my skin...all because of words and other people trying to make themselves feel better. Think about what you are saying. Think about the consequences that might come from your actions. I know that what I did to myself was stupid. I should never have cared so much what others thought about me but you can't just block it all out.

The randomness that is my brain...

Well today I went on campus at like one just to kill time before class at four. I had my notebook with me and just started writing randomly. Here is what I have:

Where do we go from here?? We're running on a a treadmill: continuously moving but going nowhere. Things are obvious but at the same time I'm confused. I've laid my cards out on the table. It's your turn to call, to raise the ante. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Whether it ends up how I want or not it doesn't matter. I just need to know. Straight forward. Don't hold back. Just let me know...am I waisting my time and breath?? Are my feelings reciprocated?? You've made me happier and a better person. And no matter what, I'll always care for you. Just don't keep me in the dark. Please, let it out.

It's snowing...the white swirls and twirls around me. it makes me want to dance. Only one person i want to dance with though. Ugh...I'm obsessed. I need to just get over it and have a "whatever" attitude because feeling like this is driving me freaking crazy. If nothing else we have an amazing friendship.

Blah...obvi you can see where my mind has been the past couple days and posts. I need to just live life in the moment and not focus on the past or the future. Just live my life!! Whatever happens is what is supposed to be!! I know that and I can handle that!! So here I go!! :)

Oh what a night!!

Well yesterday was probably one of the greatest nights of my life :) My family and Tyler and I went to the Utah vs. Colorado State football game. It was pouring rain sooooo hard!! Before the game even started I was soaking wet and I was wearing a poncho!! How ridonkulous is that!?

Well Utah totally dominated Colorado (59-6) Crazy huh!? It was so good to go and support my brother Grant. He works so hard and I'm so proud of him!! Well after the game we all went back to Grant's house. My sister-in-law Lyndi and niece Abby had just gotten back from being in Idaho so we all hung out and it was awesome.

Tyler and I left right about when my parents were leaving to head back to Idaho. The drive back to Provo was fun...we just sang in the car (which if you know the two of us isn't really a shocking thing haha). Tyler went and got us both Costa Vida (greatest food EVER!!) and then we just went to his apartment and ate and talked. It was just a really great way to end the night.

This was such a good weekend :) Thanks everyone who made it AMAZING!!!

Must. Fight. Off. Sleep.

Well...you'd think after my schedule of the past couple days that I would be wide awake right now!! Unfortunately I am exhausted!! I guess I can't stay awake late and watch movies unless I have amazing company with which to do so!!

I have to finish writing a paper for Family History class :/ *sigh* not looking forward to this!! I also have to do laundry tonight!! Then I have to get up at 7 to go running (training for the Boston Marathon...) and we are leaving at 9 so we can get to SLC with enough time for me to drive to Provo and get Tyler and then drive back to SLC for the game.

It's going to be a long day.

Oh well...it should be worth it :)

What a gay

We didn't hang out in high school.
We didn't even TALK in high school.
You hung out with the one person I can honestly say that I hate.
We aren't friends.
Never have been, most likely never will be.
I'm not attracted to you in ANY way.

What makes you think that I want to text you or hang out with you when I'm home? More importantly than that...WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU WHEN I'M HOME!? Why the heck would you even ask me a question like that?? Boy you must be smoking something.

Ew.

Sharks, Penguins, Robots, Zombies and Asians!! Oh my!!

Haha!! Well this week has been going pretty good!! I have been keeping up with my classes really well (now that I don't have Econ taking all my time and energy!)

I was tested yesterday to see if I have test anxiety or ADD. Well yeah...I totally fell asleep during the tests. If wasn't for very long but it still happened. With the help of my friend's Tyler and Travis we have decided that I either don't have ADD because I feel asleep or I have it so bad that I can't even focus enough to stay awake. Haha either way...

I have my meeting with Beverly Roeder today. She is the Pre-Vet advisor here at the Y. She will be helping me the rest of my college career so that I am ready to go to Vet School!! AHHHHH!!! I am so freaking excited!!! I have only wanted to be a vet since I was three and it honestly makes me so happy just to think about it!!

Lately I have been watching a lot of movies. I love watching movies but lately I have been watching more than normal. I have really enjoyed it though. I always have great company when I'm watching the movies (thank you Tyler (and Tiana and Cami...sometimes)).

My plans for the day aren't that exciting...I'm already done with Chinese for the day, I have my meeting with Dr. Roeder and then Music 101, but not until 4. I have to study for the oral Chinese midterm tomorrow but after that I have nothing planned. I am sure that something will come up...seeing as I have been hanging with Tyler a lot lately I imagine we'll probably hang out :) hopefully anyway

I am just so happy with life right now. I have great friends and I love my classes and what I am doing with my life. I just honestly don't think life could get any better right now!! :)

Learning to Physical Science

Well...I am sitting in the library studying. It is so much fun. I have actually never been in the library before...ever. It is actually an amazing place but the noises people are making is really starting to annoy/distract me. People turning in their wheeley chairs (you know, that really annoying squeaky sound it makes), low hum of people talking, people flipping pages, the click of pens, people are tapping their feet on their chairs and their pens on their desks. Let's just say that I get annoyed/distracted easily.

This is why I have such a problem with the testing center. I sit there and I hear these sounds (and see people's tags sticking up on their shirts and they have hairs on their back and their papers are crooked) and I can't focus!! I rush through my test so I can get out of their because it is driving me absolutely crazy!!

*sigh* I guess that I just have to suck it up and get over it but it is really hard.

I'm trying to learn Physical Science. I understand it but I'm trying to not psyche myself out for the test. I hate hate hate multiple choice tests. I can't do them. I can explain every concept to you and teach you how to do it but the minute you give me a multiple choice test I forget everything. This is my road block this semester. I am trying to not over think my answers and to just go in calm and confident.

Well back to studying...wish me luck!!

To infinity...AND BEYOND!!

Life just keeps getting better. I can't stop smiling and laughing and enjoying life :) I have one person to thank for that...and in due time I will. I can't quite yet but soon it will happen!!

Will you teach me to football??

Alright...where do I begin. I guess I can start here:

I came to the realization today that I am pathetic. I really honestly am. It's not like a bad pathetic...but a pathetic none-the-less. When I like someone, and I mean actually like crush them, want to date them kind of like, I don't know what to do! I turn 20 in a couple months and I have only had one boyfriend and can count on two hands how many dates I've been on since I turned 16. Like I said: PATHETIC!!

I don't know what to do!! I can be friends with guys but I can't get them to ask me out or to like me as more than friends. I'm always going to be "one of the boys". You know I'm fine with that to an extent...but it gets frustrating sometimes.

The boy I like and I hang out a lot. We talk a lot and it is just awesome. Last night he wanted to hang out so he came over and we watched a movie at my apartment. We sat next to each other and talked and laughed and I'm pretty sure we flirted...

But see this is where I get lost. It's happened so many times to me before: I think that he is flirting back and that he likes me and then I get extremely disappointed when I find out later that he wasn't. When I want to see something so bad I actually imagine that I see it. So I have gotten to the point where I just think to myself "oh sure I like him and want to date him but he won't ever like me like that so we will just be friends." And I don't like that!! I really like this boy. There is just something amazing about him and I can't get him off my mind. I'm so glad that we are really really good friends but I want so much more. I'm afraid to open my big dumb mouth and ruin it though...because I think that we could have something great

*sigh* I am just rambling here trying to get it all out there and figure stuff out. Hopefully I will learn how to date soon so that I won't die old and alone with a million cats. (I'm cool with the dying old and with cats part though haha)-terrible joke

hmmm I guess I will just stick on the path I'm on and maybe things will work out the way I want them to this time. If I don't ruin everything by over analyzing...