Hopeless...

So I like this boy...but it seems hopeless. He is too good for me but I'm going to they and better myself so that one day I can find an amazing man just like him and I will be ready to share Eternity with him...

Ups and downs...

I'm really getting sick of the ups and downs that I have been going through. I felt awesome this morning and now I just feel like crying...

Why am I so messed up? Why can't I just be happy?

Why...

What hurts the most

What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been...

If i could say what I want to say I'd say I want to blow you away and be with you every night. If I could say what I want to see I want to see you go down on one knee. Marry me today! I guess I'm wishing my life away with these things that I'll never say...

Why do songs always tell the story of my life? Why can't I put into words myself how I feel? Why can't my life be an episode of Glee so it would be alright for me to sing how I feel to the person I like, to my family, to my friends, to the world? Why can't I put into words the pain that I feel each day? Why can't I express the love that is in my heart without getting scared?

I'll never be able to do these things...so I guess i'll just stick with listening to the music that describes my life...

Strumming my pain with his fingers. Singing my life with his words. Killing me softly with his song. Killing me softly with his song telling my whole life with his words. Killing me softly...

Taking a chance

Each day we come in contact with so many people it would blow our minds to actually know a number. I don't believe it is random chance. God has a purpose for the people that enter our lives...maybe we need to learn from them and maybe they need to learn from us, but if we don't take the chance to make them a part of our lives we will never know.
We need to take the chance to get to know these people. To say hi to them, to become their friends, to help them through their challenges like they might be able to help us through ours.
There is a person in my life that is so close to me right now. Randomly we were placed in the same ward at school. Randomly she happens to be the FHE mom to an apartment of my really close friends. Randomly we began talking. I know that i put randomly but i don't believe it was just random chance that these things happened. God knew that i needed her in my life to help me through challenges and we were brought together.
I am so thankful that she is in my life and for the things that she does for me and the way she helps me through. If she hadn't taken the initiative to become my friend and be a part of my life i would be lost.
Although it may seem intimidating we need to take that first step outside our comfort zone and bring these people into our lives. God has placed them in our paths, we can either walk around them and ignore them or we can better our journey by bringing them along...it's our choice

A light at the end of the tunnel??

Well I think things are going to start turning around soon. Hopefully anyway...
I have some of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for and I can't ever repay them for everything they have done for me.
I also have the most amazing family in the entire world!! I know that Heavenly Father sent me to this family because they were what I needed to become a better person.
I wish that I could help out the people in my life as much as they have helped me out ... but I don't think I ever can
Just know that I am forever your friend and will never forget the kindness you showed me. You are amazing and I love you

Used much?

Do you ever feel used by people who claim they are your friends and claim they like you? Yeah ... I do. Practically every day. It gets really old. I'm totally fine being a good friend and being there for people but for them to take advantage of my kindness is really wearing me down. I wish they would just realize that I have feelings and I'm not just here for them to use me and abuse me. Please...stop. Just be my friend and not use me. I would really appreciate it...

Writing while on tranquilizers can result in interesting things

My body, shaking uncontrollably, struggles to focus. To stay awake.
I take a step and feel the unbalance taking over. What is wrong with me? Trying to make the situation better is only making it worse. I'm surrounded by people who care yet i just want them to leave me alone. The more they try to help the worse i feel.
I can't focus my eyes. Everything is blurry and moves in slow motion. I can't feel. Is it cold outside? Is there wind?
I see the sun shining. I see it brighten the world around me. I see the people enjoying it's warmth...but i sit here and feel nothing. I feel the ground shake underneath me. Do you feel it? No...you can't. The tremors are coming from within. My body's reaction to the chaos that is my life. I take a step and feel the earth tilt away from me. I'm struggling to make it to where i need to go. My throat closes up. Someone is choking me. I can feel their hands around my throat. It is hard to breathe. It hurts. But these hands around my neck, threatening the life i have worked so hard to stay a part of, don't belong to anyone but my own subconscious...

I'm going home

Yeah this post is really self explanatory...

I'M GOING HOME TODAY!!!!!

I really need to get away from Provo but I'm going to miss my friends...

When times get rough...

I need to remember this...

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are

Crazy to hope for...

you know the crazy that is my life. you've seen it up close and personal. you've been right by my side the entire journey and i know you'll never leave. 

and the truth is...i don't ever want you to. right now...i think i need you more than anyone else. i can't imagine my life without you being a part of it. i wish that there was someway i could tell you without embarrassing myself or ruining our friendship.

you've seen me at my lowest point and stuck by me through it all. i know that with you i can conquer anything that comes my way.

but you deserve better than me. you're too amazing to be with someone as messed up as i am...

but i'm still hoping ...

Too much time to think...

I have too much time to think and a lot to think about. You would think that it was a good combination but in my situation it isn't.
I see my life moving in a direction I wasn't planning on and it's like I can't control it. My life is a run away train and I'm just watching it steam roll through.
I wish that there was some way I could have some sort of control...but I can't.
Lately I feel outside may body. I feel like I'm watching someone else live my life and I hate it.
I feel like a burden. I have amazing friends and an amazing family but I feel like I cause so much disruption in everyone's lives. They act like it isn't a big deal to talk to me and help me out but I feel like it is. Why do I have this amazing support system yet I feel so alone? Why can I sit in a room full of my closest friends and they are laughing and telling jokes and I just want to cry?
I just want to thank everyone in my life for how amazing they are. Without you...I'd feel more lost. Without you...I don't know where I would be.