Bad Things Happen to Good People

Bad things happen to good people. It is a part of life.

I would like to consider myself a good person and believe me, bad things happen...a lot of them.

Who would have ever thought that I would be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder? Definitely not me.

Did I ever expect to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? No...

But the fact that I now know I am bi-polar with this anxiety disorder explain a lot of my childhood.

I wonder a lot of the time why God would do this to me...we are all given trials, but why is this mine? I have been told that God never gives us a trial or challenge we cannot handle and overcome but with this it seems impossible...

I can't sit through my classes without panicking. I can't go to a grocery store alone without panicking. I can't be around a lot of people I don't know without panicking. I can't sit anywhere but right next to a door without panicking. I can't have a change in my routine without panicking.

I feel uncomfortable all the time. My skin crawls. My body shakes. I cry. I can't breathe. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed in the morning. Trivial things panic me and I can't handle it.

I get so depressed all the time. A lot of the time I am alone when I want to be with someone. I have no friends. I don't like the way I look.

A lot of the time I just hate my life...the only good thing in my life is my family and my best friend. Unfortunately I have neither close by and I can't go to them for comfort. I want more than anything for my whole family to be home and hold me and tell me it will be ok. I want my best friend to come over to my apartment and watch dumb videos with me on the internet and talk to me about everything and cook dinner with me like we used to...but that won't happen.

I am completely and utterly alone...and no one knows or cares.

I just hate this...

Heartbroken

Well...I just got a message on Facebook from Jaime Lee, Jordan's mom. She informed me that I can no longer go to Reno in July to see Jordan.

They only have three days together when he gets home before he has to work and get ready for school.

I understand giving them family time and I want them to have all the time together that they can before he leaves again; I really, truly understand why.

But I have missed him so much. Counting down the days to see him is what has been getting me through this semester. It is all I have been looking forward to since the day he left. I bought my ticket already. I have been planning everything out that we were going to do, movies we are going to watch, etc.

I just can't stop crying. I really needed to see him. I know that I will when he gets to Provo it is just that I have waited two years for this and I don't want to wait anymore!!

I guess I just need to suck it up and get over it. I just wish they would have let me know before I bought my ticket...

I don't even know what to do anymore...every time I plan something that I am looking forward to it alwasy gets ruined. I'm just not going to hope for or plan anything anymore.

Best Friends Forever

Jordan Lee.

This kid has seriously been the best friend any girl could ever ask for. When we met I never realized how much he would change my life and everything he would do for me. He makes me want to be a better person. He loves me for who I am and I appreciate that so much; it is exactly what I need.

I have been through a lot lately and he has been with me, helping me through, every step of the way even though he is over 2,000 miles away.

I can't even put into words how much he means to me...I just hope that one day I can express to him how much I appreciate him in my life.

I thank Heavenly Father every day for putting Jordan in to my life. I don't know what I would do without him...

I Think I Forgot I Had a Blog...

Well people...it has been a while: a very, very long while.

Nothing new has happened to me really. I am going to school at BYU-Idaho in Rexburg. It has been...interesting to say the least. I am enjoying it for the most part though.

My roommates are fantastic!! I love them so much and I get along with them really well.

My classes are going well...I guess. I have yet to be able to sit through all of them because of my anxiety and panic attacks but I am making progress.

I am going to Reno, Nevada July 20th. I am SOOOOOO excited!!! My best friend in the ENTIRE world is coming home from his mission on July 18th and I am going to be there for his welcome home and 10 days to just hang out and catch up!! I can't even put into words how excited I am to see him!! I have missed him so much and the past two years without him has been really hard. But he will be home soon and we can talk all the time and Skype and it will just be fantastic!!!

*sigh* I love that kid.

Anyway...I should be doing homework right now but instead I am writing this and then I am going to redesign my blog and then I might watch some Hulu before heading to Blackfoot at about 3:00 pm.

Today is Mother's Day!!! I want the whole world to know that I have the most amazing, beautiful, strong, spiritual mother in the entire world!! She is so fantastic. No one is better at being a mother than she is. Also, my sister is a new mommy and she is also fantastic, and my sister-in-law Lyndi is about to be a mommy TWICE!! They are both amazing and I am so glad to have them in my life.