Bad Things Happen to Good People

Bad things happen to good people. It is a part of life.

I would like to consider myself a good person and believe me, bad things happen...a lot of them.

Who would have ever thought that I would be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder? Definitely not me.

Did I ever expect to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? No...

But the fact that I now know I am bi-polar with this anxiety disorder explain a lot of my childhood.

I wonder a lot of the time why God would do this to me...we are all given trials, but why is this mine? I have been told that God never gives us a trial or challenge we cannot handle and overcome but with this it seems impossible...

I can't sit through my classes without panicking. I can't go to a grocery store alone without panicking. I can't be around a lot of people I don't know without panicking. I can't sit anywhere but right next to a door without panicking. I can't have a change in my routine without panicking.

I feel uncomfortable all the time. My skin crawls. My body shakes. I cry. I can't breathe. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed in the morning. Trivial things panic me and I can't handle it.

I get so depressed all the time. A lot of the time I am alone when I want to be with someone. I have no friends. I don't like the way I look.

A lot of the time I just hate my life...the only good thing in my life is my family and my best friend. Unfortunately I have neither close by and I can't go to them for comfort. I want more than anything for my whole family to be home and hold me and tell me it will be ok. I want my best friend to come over to my apartment and watch dumb videos with me on the internet and talk to me about everything and cook dinner with me like we used to...but that won't happen.

I am completely and utterly alone...and no one knows or cares.

I just hate this...