Déjà Vu

My life is literally just one incident of déjà vu after another. I can't get out of this cycle that I'm in no matter how hard I try. I'm stuck.

Why is it that the only guys that are attracted to me or show interest in me are all slime balls? They all only want one thing and they don't care how badly they hurt me in the process of trying to get it.

The only problem is that they don't get that one thing they want from me...they take it and I get hurt.

I've been abused. So many times. By so many people. It hurts. To think about, to say, to admit. I physically hurt thinking about it. I get sick. I have flashbacks of everything. Literally every time, every second, every moment, every word, every look, every feeling. Everything.

Do you know what that's like? To never get away from the worst things that have ever happened to you? To have them haunt you every waking hour of the day and then continue into the night? I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy.

I'd like to think I'm a nice person. I like to help people out. I would literally give you the shirt off of my back to make sure that you were taken care of. That's the type of person I am. And that makes me vulnerable...

And somehow everyone figures that out and uses it against me. To the point that I start getting abused again. And when I stand up for myself it does no good. I try to see the best in everyone and that is used to manipulate me out of standing up for myself against the abuse.

Why does this happen to me? At what point will it stop? You might be thinking "Just say no. It's that easy." Is it that easy? Have you said no and had it completely ignored? I have... but it's that easy, right?

It's been five years since I broke up with my ex; the only boyfriend I've ever had, the only person with whom I've been in love. I've worked every day since then to get to where I am right now. To be somewhat confident. To get past all of the abuse and manipulation. But pieces of me have been chipped away.

Pieces of me have been chipped away and I will never get them back and I will never be the same. I feel different. I don't feel like me...but do I actually know what feeling like me is? I'm not sure any more.

I'm different than I was. I know that. I can see it. And every day I see it more and more.

I put up a wall against people to stop myself from feeling this way, from being taken advantage of, from being chipped away. And right when I finally decide to take that wall down, to let people in, immediately I get hurt. I get used. I am lied to and manipulated.

Another piece of me was chipped away today. I can feel it. A piece of me is gone. And the progress I've made over the past five years...all but gone. I'm not being dramatic I'm being honest.

Right now I feel exposed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel stupid.

It's times like these, times that I hurt so badly emotionally, that I want to hurt physically instead. Breaking my hand in April is an example of this. I want that right now...to hurt physically not emotionally or mentally. I can handle the physical pain...I can't handle the emotional pain.

I can't.