This Whole Dating Thing...

...Blows.

Really though. It has turned in to a game not a courtship.

I want a guy to come talk to me and make it obvious that he is interested. I want to be able to do the same thing without being considered too forward.

I don't want to play games. I don't want to constantly wonder if a guy I'm attracted to is attracted to me. I don't want to always be the one to ask the guy to hang out or come over for dinner and a movie.

I just don't want that crap.

I know dating isn't and will never be a fairy-tale. There will be challenges and heartbreaks: it would be stupid to assume there wouldn't be. I don't want it to be a fairy-tale I think that would annoy me just as much as dating already does.

I guess I am just rambling now...I'm just sick of dating or trying to anyway.

Family

You should feel loved by your family, right?

You should be able to turn to them with questions and concerns and when you are having a bad day, right?

This is so true for my family with one exception...Peter.

My entire life he has picked on me. Now let's get something straight, we all picked on each other growing up. It's what siblings do. But the way Peter treated me (and how he still does) was above and beyond normal sibling rivalry.

I've never once in my entire life felt loved by him. When ever I am around him he tears me down and tells me that everything I'm doing is wrong. I have NEVER heard a good thing come from him when it is about me or something that I am doing.

He criticizes everything I do: the way I talk, the way I act, everything.

He is the only one in the family I don't feel close to. I can't just call him up with problems I have and talk to him about them like I can with my Mom, Dad, John, Grant, Madi, and Mike. I can even call and talk to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law about anything and everything. But I can't do that with Peter. He doesn't listen to me and just tells me to get over it all.

I just want him to love me. I'm sure that if my parents talk to him or my siblings he'll say that he does but I don't see it...ever. I feel that it would be accurate to say that he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.

I just want him to see how much he has hurt me. How much he continues to hurt me with what he says and how he treats me.

I just want him to love me and treat me like he treats all of my other siblings.

I guess I can wish all I want but I highly doubt anything will change...I'm almost 23 years old and I don't feel, and have never felt, loved by my brother. If it hasn't happened by now it probably isn't going to.

I Hate This...Seriously

I'm so sick of being the way that I am. I hate having panic attacks, I hate not being able to be with a lot of people...I just hate everything about my life right now.

I just want to be better. I want to not fear going out with people. I want to not fear going outside by myself. I want to be strong. I want to be confident in myself.

Oh the many things I want...

It doesn't help that I miss my baby brother, too.

Before he went on his mission I could just call him when I was having a bad day. He could cheer me up instantly...I miss that. I just miss him so so much. He's my best friend and I just wish he was here.

I know he's doing the right thing by being on his mission and he's helping so many people...I just wish I could see him and talk to him whenever I want...